Undated Journal Entry #3

“I decided today that I would stop drinking after Haven’s concert. This isn’t the first time that I have planned to quit after a significant event. I was fine yesterday, but I mentioned it once to M, and he completely shut down. The craving died as I pulled my sore body up the stairs and into my bed.

I felt terrible when I woke up, and I cried about having to work. My job is intellectually challenging and gets very busy, but today was a normal day. I work from home. I had one meeting to attend. With the pain and discomfort, even this felt like too much. My mind told me to drink alcohol or risk damaging my job and my reputation to take time off to go somewhere to heal. These are the only options. M tried so hard to help, but he just couldn't understand. He is so nice to me and so supportive. It’s not his fault.

Of course I chose to drink - to destroy my health and spend money I don’t have. The strange thing is, after I ordered my drink, I completely forgot about it. It arrived a few sentences into this journal entry, and it is sitting in the refrigerator now. I could be drinking it now. I can almost taste the bitter, awful flavor that I’ve grown so accustomed to.

I want to drink, but there is also a part of me who doesn’t. That’s the part with my feet glued to the bed and my pen gripped tightly in my hand as if it were the railings along a long, tall, shaky bridge, and I know that at any moment it is possible to plunge to my death or to keep a tight grasp and hang on a little longer. I’m torn, sad, confused, alone, and sick. I don’t know what I will do or if this cycle will ever stop. I’m trying to know and do the right things, but I always mess everything up. I am all that I hate in this world.”

-RHH